The Identity Crisis of Motherhood

Maybe since I am a mother of one child, not two or three or four, I do not understand how the underlying transformation of becoming a mother sacrifices personal identity. Becoming a mother is an addition to my personal identity as a woman. Just like when I grew from a girl to a young lady to a woman, and became a girlfriend, then a fiancé, then a Mrs., and from a hostess to an executive manager, then a student to a writer, motherhood was an added badge of honor to my life, not a defining label.

This blurb is inspired by two encounters. The first derives from a social media post from a friend I had in middle school. She posted a selfie, explaining she had dedicated 10 years of her life employed as a stay-at-home mother. Finally, after 10 years, she is venturing out to become her own self, finally, again, different, but maybe her old self, the same as before.

The second inspiration derives from my coworker who voluntarily gave me her biggest piece of advice when I was six months pregnant: “If you want to do something, do it. If you want to buy something, buy it. Anything you want to do for yourself, do it now. When that child comes you don’t do anything for yourself anymore.”

This was an awful thought, so I changed the subject and asked about her plans for after work. She said, “Oh. Baking cookies with my daughter.”

“Oh, that sounds fun,” I said.

“Well, at least she will have fun,” she said.

*Yeesh, I thought.

When she became a mother, why did she feel the need to sacrifice her identity? Is the definition of “being a good mother” to sacrifice who you are as an individual so you can properly raise your children? Can someone answer this question: when and how did becoming a mother sacrifice personal identity and self-care? (Feel free to enter comments below).

There is no doubt that a mother will be tired in an attempt to balance things she wants to do and do what her child wants to do. But why is it such a social struggle? Why is there a dead self that needs to be dug up from 6 feet under once their children are old enough to wipe and scrub their own particles?

My mother, a stay-at-home mom, embraced her creative self when I was in middle school. She decided to launch her own interior redesign business. I felt her energy shift to magic when I would witness her take a nearly bare living room in her client’s house and make it inviting by moving some furniture around. The room had all the tools, it just needed to be balanced. My mother knew she possessed the power, embraced her inner creativity and identity as an artist, and transformed that ugly room into an inviting space.

Mothers of all ages of all aged kids should feel guiltless for taking time to be themselves. Personal identity should lead the teachings of motherhood! Why kill the self to feed another? Fuel the other with the self that energizes; I was inspired when I witnessed my mom fixing ugly rooms, and never felt like she was taking her time away from me.

If my child is hanging off a ledge, I would stop what I was doing to save him. If my child is hungry, I will stop what I am doing to feed him. If my child wants to play, I will stop what I am doing to play with him. If my child is asleep, I will take that time for myself– whether that means reading a book, working on our taxes, having sex with my husband, or sleeping as well. I promise my son, my soul, and the people who love me, that I won’t abandon myself. I am Marti, who has earned the opportunity and blessing to be Mother.

If there is something a mother with limited time wishes to do for herself, it is not selfish. I’ve learned that it is acceptable to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with being a multifaceted woman and mother.

*Note: I am not bashing the two mothers who felt they could not take time for themselves. Furthermore, I am not encouraging mothers to ignore their children so they can focus on everything they want to do daily. I respect that no one is perfect, and every mother is different.